I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
