It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
