Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
