I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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