how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
