i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
