life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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