Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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