I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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