I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
