Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
