i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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