That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize