We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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