I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
