The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
