I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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