True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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