do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
