yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
