So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
