I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
