Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so explain again why im purple
no
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
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