i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
