last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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