Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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