Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
