watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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