i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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