I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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