I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
