i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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