i was born a porn star she said
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
