Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
