I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
