this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
