Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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