I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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