the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
