I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
