well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
