I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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