So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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