..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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