just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize