I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
