Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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