Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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