That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
