I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
