I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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