she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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