I need to stop coming to work sober
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize