hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
