eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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