my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize