I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
