Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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