I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
