If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
