Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
