just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
